I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
