I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Houston, we have a blender
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
