There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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