My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize