I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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