Don't make out with my wife yet
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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