if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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