WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
