It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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