I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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