Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
