I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
no, he came in my armpit
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
