On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Less talking, more tequila
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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