I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
