I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
