Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
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I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
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He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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