Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
