May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
