I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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