i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm both gender and math confused
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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