Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
