Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
