I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
