I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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