This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
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I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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