All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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