And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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