is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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