I'm going to jail i love you
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
