It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
