I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
