im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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