I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
