when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
