why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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