I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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