I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We left the knife in your bed.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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