there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize