I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i black out too much to be "responsible"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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