watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
