Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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