well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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