I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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