people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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