i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
