Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
