whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
