My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
