I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
