You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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