i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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