Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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