in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
