i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
