Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
