my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
