The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
