my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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