I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
